Maybe I don’t need to sit here and listen to sad songs and worry about things that are as certain as they’ll ever be, but I think I’ll always need time to myself. I’ll always need to find the middle and go from there. It forces me to face uncomfortable truths sometimes, but it’s the only way I’ve ever learned to be happy. If I feel everything, I’m forced to deal with the bad and cherish the good. I think that’s the only way for anyone to be really happy. In their own way, to bring to the surface and deal with everything that faces them (emotionally, anyway), and then live in a way that doesn’t allow false happiness.

So, in part, that’s why I write here. My other blog seems to have a focus, and a point. I can’t doodle and play with words and thoughts as freely there. So I come here and I write. I say what I want, because I really don’t care how many people read it or what they think. It’s liberating, but at the same time very grounding.

With that, I’m off. I hope you all find your ways of getting to happiness, whatever they may be.

I wish this was photoshopped.

I’m cooped up in my dorm room at 3:00 A.M. and should probably asleep. I would probably be if I had been out doing things all day or night, but as you can see, there’s not much appeal for that. So I’ve watched Burn Notice (awesome show – it’s like the Bourne movies with an alcoholic sidekick and a monologue) and IMed my roommate. Great fun, but what am I going to do? This is the kind of cold where if you go outside and pinch your nose shut, it freezes shut for a moment before your body heat releases it. Needless to say, it’s not exactly sledding weather.

The 3 in the morning thing is also a small problem, but I have been feeling a bit under the weather recently and it’s kept me away from the gym. What it boils down to is that I need a certain amount of excitement or entertainment in my day before I can sleep. Something like that anyways. So I blog, I tweet, I play videogames, I do homework, and I listen to music. Sure I work and go to class, but I don’t really consider anything to be “getting out” if it’s on my calendar. I don’t mind being up until three. It’s a neat feeling, actually, being one of the last ones awake in such a lively building. I’d imagine a late-night run in parts of some big cities feels the same way.

Music is high on my list (there’s no real list, but wouldn’t it be cool to have one of those standings boards like they do at golf tournaments with priorities on them like “music,” “school,” “saving for ___”?) recently. It comes in waves (no pun intended) – sometimes I’ll go weeks without playing more than an hour of tunes any given day, other times I’ve got headphones on more often than pants. Usually it’s a new album that I can’t stop listening to, but right now it’s just music in general. I’m listening to a lot of Motion City Soundtrack’s new album My Dinosaur Life and John Mayer’s new Battle Studies (Tori and I are going to see him live in 17 days!). They’re dramatically different albums, but both subtly dance around everything I look for in music. In a sense, that’s what I really want from music, is that almost unsatisfied but always reaching for the perfect lyric over the perfect track feeling. It’s cool to hear how people’s lives play out in a completely intangible way. Music is nowhere, but it does so much for so many people. At the moment I’m listening to Hilltop Hoods, which is not usually my style (rap in general isn’t usually my style), but it’s good.

With that, my readers, I’m off. Check out Hilltop Hoods, sleep well, and enjoy yourselves. ‘Night!

I’ve never lived in a big city, and I’m not too sure what to expect. A close friend who’s at school in Washington, D.C. says that it’s wonderful to be a moving part of such a massive, diverse system of people. I hope that I can see it that way and not just feel like a face in the crowd. In Boston with all of the college culture, I feel like I’ll be destined to find my niche if I look for it and keep an open mind.

The application process is in the works, but not completed yet. I still have to get letters of recommendation from professors, which is unsurprisingly much more difficult in a University of 10,000 than it was in a high school of 400.

Even though I feel like UVM isn’t the place for me, I don’t feel like my time here has been or will be wasted. I had a lot of difficulty stepping out of the extremely small community of Montpelier and MHS and into a large University setting. Having the comfort of home an hour away, regardless of how much or little I’ve gone back, has done wonders for my confidence. With that comfort there, I was willing to step up and define myself as I am now without fear. Now that I know who I am and where I’m going (at least generally), I feel confident that I’ll be able to go down to Boston and thrive. It will be a test for sure, and I’m sure I won’t always like it, but nobody ever told me growing up was easy.

I’m definitely excited for whatever it is the future holds, and the possibility of an awesome summer (Europe perhaps?) to send me into the rest of my college career, I couldn’t be more excited to meet it.

Taylor McLaughlin

I’m doing something I hoped I wouldn’t have to do for many, many years this week. I’m going to the funeral of a classmate. Taylor McLaughlin, a fellow member of Montpelier High School’s class of 2008, lost his life in a car accident yesterday.

I’ve known people who’d passed away before. Grandparents, relatives, friends’ relatives, but there had never before been someone I had spent as much time around as Taylor. There had never been anyone who, even if we weren’t the best of friends, grew up alongside me who I had shared so many experiences with. Taylor used to host a party once a year for a bunch of the kids in our grade. He was all about showing everyone a good time and letting us feel welcome in his home.

When we were young, maybe seven, Taylor and I were on a baseball team together, coached by his kind and always enthusiastic father. There, we learned to sort out the obvious name problem. In a way, sharing a name changed each other’s identities slightly. I was thereafter “Taylor D.” and him “Taylor M.” When sports again crossed our paths on a 5th grade basketball team, we would be the “wall of T” on defense together. I was never any good at basketball, but Taylor never made me feel it. We worked together, and he congratulated me on my small achievements and always helped me up when I was down.

Our principal, when announcing the tragedy to the current students at MHS, commented on Taylor’s smile. He wasn’t the type to fake a smile. When Taylor was happy, his whole face smiled, and there wasn’t a square inch of it that didn’t show it. He showed it a lot, too. I can picture him all over school with that smile on his face, enjoying life.

I didn’t know Taylor very well, and we’d had our differences over the years, but what strikes me about the whole thing is that even despite this, I realize looking back that he had quite an impact on my life. There are things about him that I’ll always remember. I suppose we take these things for granted more than I had ever realized. The small things about every day, the things that make ours a society worth living in. Certainly Taylor didn’t deserve to be taken from us, but I can honestly say that his smile and upbeat, positive attitude have triggered hundreds more smiles and laughs than would have ever been brought out without him, and I thank him and the family that he loved so much for those moments.

Rest in Peace, Taylor McLaughlin.

Just an update…

Things are going well here at UVM. I just finished classes for the week and will be going home in just a few hours. I am pumped! After a few months straight of this food every single day, my ability to feel hungry is extremely diminished, and phrases like “turkey sandwich” and “pizza” come with no stomach grumbles or mouth-watering.

“Gravy,” on the other hand… Well, my mouth is watering just trying to figure out what to say about gravy. When thanksgiving day rolls around and I’m thinking of all the things I’m thankful for, gravy will definitely make the list. Without getting all mushy and sentimental on you, other parts of the list (in no particular order, and I’m definitely leaving things out, so don’t be offended) would be…

• Improving relationships with both of my parents. It’s been an uphill climb for a little over a year now, but I get to go home to my mom’s house for Thanksgiving, and that’s a good feeling.
• College. Even though it’s been a lot of ups and downs, I’m definitely grateful to have the experience of being here and being exposed to everything that I have. Beyond that, I’m so grateful (and lucky) to have to worry relatively little about money while I’m here. I won’t be configuring routers for extra cash at age 30 to scrape up funds for my college loans, and that’s awesome.
• My roommate. I spent the better part of last year in a single. Everyone I talk to now tells me how lucky I was to have the whole room to myself, but “lucky” doesn’t describe it as well as “lonely.” It sucked for the most part. This year, I’m spending the majority of all waking hours with one of the funniest, most loyal, and coolest friends I’ve ever had. He puts up with my late night “MEGAMAN827 I HATE YOU! YOU STUPID CAMPER!” videogame moments (I’m also thankful that the guys next door do the same) and keeps my ridiculous absent-mindedness at bay (I commonly lock the room on my way while he’s still sitting there playing videogames.) It’s made every aspect of my life more enjoyable, and made day-to-day loneliness a thing of the past.
• Last on the list, but definitely not least, is Tori. Long distance sucks, there’s no two ways about it, but she sticks it out every day and makes them all a lot more fun. Whether she’s calling to tell me about the economics test she just layed the smackdown on or sending me a text message that’ll make me smile when I read it after class, she makes the bad days bearable and the good ones amazing.

There’s so much more that I’m thankful for, but you don’t want to read it, and I fear my paragraph about electronics might bear a scary resemblance to that the one about my roommate. Scary.

For now, I should get back to packing. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Til Next Time,

Taylor

Smithfield's: My First Southern Meal

The two-hour drive from the Raleigh/Durham airport to Wilmington (where we stayed) was flat, tree-lined, and busy. In any two-hour late-evening drive in Vermont, you’re almost guaranteed to have at least one instance in which you can’t see any other cars. This was not the case on the way to Wilmington. I spent most of the ride being briefed on everything I needed to know about the south. We stopped for dinner where I had my first taste of it: Hush Puppies and Carolina-style pulled pork (with vinegar, which Tori drinks from the bottle – I’m not so fond). I ate it all for sure, along with my side of fried “shrimp,” which was about a hundred penny-sized, shrimp-shaped, extremely tasty things.

Breakfast at Cracker Barrel in Wilmington, NC

The next morning, Tori, her mother, her sister, her grandparents and I went to Cracker Barrel, where I had my second encounter with grits (the first came from the kitchen of Tori’s grandfather himself). The whole party threw in some advice on how to eat them and what to put in. It was an adventure, for sure, but very tasty and very fun.

The mysterious main event came at noon. Despite all the advice, warnings, and other talk of the south, I had heard almost nothing about the reunion. Tori laughed to me as we got in the car saying, “You have no idea what you’re getting into.” I laughed back, unable to mask the nervousness that came with that. Our forty-minute drive from Wilmington to Maple Hill took us out of the land of free hotel wifi, BMWs, and 5-lane interstates into that place where the biggest employer in the county is the corner gas station/convenience store, which had only recently outdone the “Boil’d Peay-nut” man selling out of a stand across the street in food revenue.

The reunion took place in Tori’s grandfather’s elementary school: a two-room schoolhouse. Even though it was a relatively small place, I was surprised to see it packed. Tons of people were there, and I was only lucky enough to meet a few of them. Tori walked me around and introduced me to many of the people I hear stories about from her or her family in Vermont. There were too many wonderful aunts, uncles, and cousins there to meet them all, but I had a great conversation with “uncle Allen,” who isn’t a direct uncle, but like so many of the relatives there, had a connection that would take unnecessarily long to explain. Kyle, who I’d met only over the internet, was also there and wonderful to finally meet, along with his father Forrest. The food was amazing! I chose a dish I have only ever seen in good dreams: Steak, thinly sliced, in a puddle of gravy. You may think I’m exaggerating, but I honestly thought it was the gravy dish until I saw someone dish some steak out of it for themselves. That, some class-A mashed potatoes, and 4 slices of cake, each from a different cake, made up lunch. The health-nut in me was in a hysterical rage, but my stomach and taste buds couldn’t be bothered. This is how vacation is supposed to taste.

After a full meal, tons of conversation, and a bit of playground fun with the young’uns, Tori’s uncle Chris drove us around town to all the places he and the rest of their generation used to play and show us how things used to be. He showed us a really neat creek that had the blackest water I’d ever seen where he used to swim. It was a really cool place to see, though I’m not sure if I’d ever want to swim there.

Saturday's segment of the journey home.

I rode home with Tori and her mom Patty in their family’s Hyundai Elantra (by the end of the ride, I was best friends with the cooler full of barbecue chicken. It was by far the longest road trip I’ve ever been on, and it was really cool to see how things changed as we worked our way up the east coast. It was a sad reminder that we were out of the south when we bought lunch on Sunday and there were no hush-puppies or grits to be found. Pizza loses its novelty once you’ve discovered the wonder that is gravy with steak in it.

It’s hard to believe that all of this happened in just over 48 hours. It was by far the best weekend I’ve had this year, and I already want to go back. It was so nice to meet Tori’s extended family, and it definitely made it easy to see where the wonderful hospitality and openness in her more immediate family comes from. I really hope I get to go back in the coming years and meet the people I missed this year (not to mention trying all the dishes I didn’t have room for).

A big thank you to everyone who helped me get down there, and for the invite: Patty, Dad, Mr. Jim Walton, his wife Barb, and of course Tori. I had an amazing weekend, and am so grateful to have had the opportunity. It was an honor to meet the family and be invited.

The flaw, really, is not in my world or my surroundings, but myself. I am a creature of habit, terrified of breaking out of the shell. I’ve been trying to shake that up, but making conscious decisions to do so constantly is quite an exhausting task. As soon as I leave my comfort zone, a great (and by that I mean seemingly insurmountable, not “swell”) wave of anxiety washes over me. Self doubt begins, and it’s downhill from there. Breaking my habits of dull routine is extremely hard. So is meeting people. So is college. Based on my last post, you’d never have guessed, right? Yeah, me either.

I don’t know what I’m doing tonight, but I’m going to try to make it exciting and (god forbid) spontaneous. (Update: It was both of those things and then some.) It’d be nice if I didn’t have to write a blog post to get motivated.

I’m in college, the place and time which my dad has told me for as long as I can remember, where I find myself and – more importantly – find the world. Monday night just past midnight, as I worked on a 18-month-anniversary e-card for Tori, Knight (my roommate) and I had a long and in-depth discussion about Socrates’ Apology (written, strangely enough, by Plato). Knight was working on a paper and we picked apart the phrasing of a certain passage piece by piece, arguing about its meaning. Unsatisfied with Knight’s argument, I stayed after class to talk to the professor and get the “real answer,” if such a thing exists. As it turns out, Knight was right. Smart kid. Our professor, in that same conversation, advised me to appreciate every opportunity I get to have intelligent discussions like that. Even if we should be asleep and are running solely on Ramen, Dr Pepper, and Twizzlers, those discussions and mind-bending concepts are the reason that college is what it is.

In my hurried but calm search for my future plans and decision on a major, I talked to a few professors in the sociology department last week who really helped shape my way of seeing school and this transitional phase in general. Through use of examples of past students and advisory on the work world in general, they showed me that I really just need to do my thing. If that means taking a semester off to pursue interests outside the classroom (constructive ones, obviously), then that’s what I should do. The classroom, they explained, is a supplement to everything I should be doing in “the real world” to explore my interests.

In the wake of those conversations, I find myself reading more than ever before. I suppose I’m doing school work because I am interested now, as opposed to before, when I was doing school work because it was school work. The pressure came off.

Another quick update from UVM. I’m having a great time up here and loving my classes. I’m in two media-oriented classes which I’m loving. One’s about mass communication and how the dispersal of information works in a more technical way. The other is about how the media effect politics and why politicians and political scientists aren’t doing enough to acknowledge the changing world of the media. I could go on forever, but the bottom line is that I’m enjoying them very much. So much so that I’m keeping up with my readings *gasp*!

The Ring of Fire at Champlain Valley Fair

On Monday (Labor Day) Tori and I went to the Champlain valley Fair for the day. It was a good fair and the rides were a blast. I felt a little bit sick for the rest of the day, but I suppose it wouldn’t truly be a fair if it didn’t make you want to vomit for one reason or another (sickening prices, sickening food, nauseating rides, the lovely scent of the animal barn). Tori and I both had a blast though. We rode on “The Himalayas,” which is classic but great fun: ride in circles really fast with loud music blasting. The obvious side effect of riding in circles really fast was the centrifugal force *pats self on back for knowing how to spell*. Long(er) story short: I walked away feeling as though my hips we a few inches less wide.

Meet Phil

The highlight of the fair was the fish; Tori, her younger sister Madison, and I all won goldfish. They each won two, but I ended up with one, whose name is Phil. He now resides in a small bowl in my dorm room. I’ve realized how inept I am at taking care of anything with a heartbeat since he came along. I’m constantly sending Tori text messages like, – and I quote – “Hey, Phil isn’t coming up for the food I just put in. Is he ok?” I am someday going to make some pediatrician a rich man.

Anyways, I’ve got to head to bed and hit the books for one more day before the weekend.

Catch y’all later!

-Taylor

Just writing to update you in case you thought I had fallen off the face of the earth. That’s not the case! On the contrary, I’ve been out on it quite a bit. I’m rooming with my friend Knight who is quite the social butterfly so I’m not even on the computer all too much. The first week of classes went smoothly, though I had to switch my math-heavy economics class for a less stressful philosophy class, but that should be good.

Outside the classrooms, I’ve been going down into Burlington quite a bit with Knight and other friends. We’ve got a very cool dorm room going thus far and we’re pretty well-stocked for drinks (Knight’s mom just delivered us 48 cans of Dr Pepper, she is awesome). The nearest dining hall is great and pretty cheap, so we’re eating well too.

Otherwise I’ve just been trying to enjoy the nice weather, biking or walking instead of taking busses and keeping the blinds open to let all the sunlight in before it goes away for the winter. I might be headed to the Champlain Valley fair with Tori tomorrow, which would be lots of fun. Apparently she has a bit of a knack for winning goldfish, in which case I might walk away with a new addition to the dorm room. We’ll see!

Until next time,

Taylor